


I’ll Never Be With You

by Monsieur_Grenouille



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Melancholy, Other, Pansexual Brendon Urie, Song: You're Beautiful (James Blunt), This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, Trans Female Ryan Ross
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:20:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24305035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monsieur_Grenouille/pseuds/Monsieur_Grenouille
Summary: Some sad story that won’t be read by many people because the Panic! fandom is dying.
Relationships: Ryan Ross/Brendon Urie
Kudos: 12





	I’ll Never Be With You

**Fourth Grade**

Brendon pretends to stare out the window, when he’s really staring at the boy in front of the window. The boy’s name was Ryan Ross, and he was the most beautiful person Brendon had ever seen. He knew he wasn’t supposed to love him, since he was a boy, but he had feminine facial features and that’s good enough. 

He watched as Ryan propped his chin on his knuckles and twitched his leg, fiddling with the pencil between his fingers. Brendon drew in a shaky breath as he thought about how most boys liked girls, and how it was stupid to fall for someone twice as pretty as him. Suddenly, Ryan turned his head and made dead eye contact with Brendon. Blushing, they both turned away immediately. 

Tears welled in Brendon’s eyes as he took his pencil and wrote the only thing he could think of. “ _I will never be with you_.” 

**Fifth Grade**

Ryan was nervous on the last day of school. It was his last time at Porter Elementary, where he would be inevitably crying in the bathroom about how much he’d miss his teachers. Spencer’s parents arranged a pizza party for all the kids in 5th grade, and Ryan was going. If you didn’t go, you’d be lame, and Ryan didn’t want to be lame but he didn’t want to go, either. That’s why he just stood in the corner with his paper plate, socializing when absolutely needed. He saw Brendon hanging out with Sarah in his peripheral vision. _Of course_ , he thought, _why wouldn’t he be normal_? 

He had a major crush on Brendon. Everything from his voice to his outgoing attitude was perfect. Ryan was less than perfect. He was pale and skeletally thin, abuse marks hidden under his long sleeves. He looked like a girl, and acted like one too. Maybe he wasn’t supposed to be a boy. Maybe he was a girl. He didn’t want to be transgender, though. He didn’t want to be anything. He just wanted to be with Brendon. 

But the night continued to pass, with Ryan questioning his gender and Brendon dancing with Sarah. The other kids were jacked up on sugar and pizza, but Ryan just stood there. During the slow dance song, the sight of Brendon’s hands on Sarah’s waist made him wet with tears. The feeling multiplied at the end of the song, when he saw Brendon kiss her.

Ryan ran to the bathroom, bending over the toilet to puke. Tears streamed down his face as he tried to clean himself off with toilet paper. Of course Brendon kissed her. Why wouldn’t he? She was pretty, he was handsome, they were both popular. “Screw being liked by others,” he whispered as pulled out his phone. He dialed his mom, who picked up immediately. 

“Ryan, honey? What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” 

Ryan began to calm down at the sound of her voice. “M-Mom, can you pick me up? I think I might be a girl.” 

**Sixth grade**

Brendon noticed that Ryan had grown out his hair over the summer, and that he started asking people to call him Rainn. He overheard something about Ryan being transgender, but he never thought it would happen that way. “S-So what do I call him now?” he asked Spencer. Spencer and Ryan were close, so he should know. 

Spencer corrected him immediately. “HER name is Rainn. SHE’S a girl who uses female pronouns because that makes HER comfortable. And if you don’t respect HER, I'm going to deck you.” 

Brendon smiled. “Tell her that I think she’s brave.” 

Yes, Brendon was dating Sarah. They started out as friends, but then they accidentally kissed at the party and figured that it was best if they get the feelings out of the way. Brendon was fully aware of his small crush on Rainn, but he wasn’t going to think about it. He had a girlfriend. Even if Rainn was slightly more confident now and smiled more, he made a commitment. 

And now that real things tied them apart, it was time for Brendon to say it in the mirror. “I will never be with you.” 

**Seventh grade**

Rainn looked so awkward in her first dress. Her chest was too small, her hips were too slim, and her voice wasn’t high enough. She’d been taking classes and voice therapy, and she was only one year away from being able to get hormone treatment. The dress was maroon and plain, covering most of her body with its longish skirt and long sleeves.

She stepped out of the Kohl’s dressing room and faced Spencer. “What do you think?” she asked shyly.

Spencer was speechless. “Y-You’re beautiful,” he whispered under his breath.

Rainn blushed and tucked a hair behind her ear. “You really mean it?” 

Spencer stood up and put his hands on her waist. “If only you weren’t so hung up on Brendon...” he leaned his forehead against hers. 

Rainn closed her eyes. “That was just a crush.” She tilted her head and kissed Spencer on the lips. It was her first kiss in her first dress with her first friend. Spencer was really respectful with his hands, using one arm to support her back and the other to hold her hand. 

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered after they broke apart. 

Rainn nuzzled his neck and smiled, “You’re the best.” They stood that way for a while, with Rainn’s face in the crook of Spencer’s neck and Spencer’s arms around her. They didn’t know where to go from there. Of course, they were going to pay for the dress and leave, but they didn’t know how to move. Both of them knew there was something not right about the kiss, but they didn’t mention it. 

Rainn thought it had something to do with her. Spencer thought it had something to do with the fact Brendon was standing in the hallway in front of them, watching with a pained expression. 

**Eighth grade**

Brendon and Sarah broke up over the summer. He told her about what he saw at Kohl’s and how it bothered him, and she dumped him for it. Apparently he was still in love with Rainn. But even though he himself was single, it didn’t change that he witnessed Spencer and Rainn kissing. “So... are you and Rainn dating?” he asked Spencer during Jazz club. 

The other percussionist chuckled and shook his head. “No. Rainn and I just had an impulsive kiss. My mom calls it _thinking with my dick_ as if Rainn didn’t like it or something. We had a weird little summer fling, too. But, uh, we’re good now. Why?” 

Brendon sighed, “I like her. I’ve liked her since fourth grade. I was just wondering if she was single.” 

Spencer narrowed his eyes at Brendon. “If you liked her so much, you shouldn’t have kissed Sarah in fifth grade. She ended up puking that night.” 

Brendon’s eyes went wide. She puked because of him? “I-I won’t hurt her like that... ever. It was a mistake. We kissed on accident. And don’t even _pretend_ you didn’t see me at Kohl’s when you kissed Rainn. We made eye contact.” 

Spencer glared even harder at Brendon. “She deserves someone who can tell her that it’s okay if she’s not like other girls. Not someone who can make her feel popular.” 

Brendon got defensive. “Just because I’m popular doesn’t mean I’m a dickhead. I’d do anything for her. Anything she needs.” 

Spencer sighed and picked up his drumsticks again. “You should’ve considered that before talking to her friend instead of just talking to _her_. Coward.” 

Brendon ignored him. The rest of the year went by in a flurry, and the end-of-middle-school party was lame anyway. Even then, Brendon whispered the same thing every time he’d drag the razor blade across his skin or burn himself on purpose. “I will never be with you.” 

**End of High School - 12th Grade**

Just like the party at the end of fifth and eighth grade happened, so did the party at the end of twelfth grade. Brendon walked through hallways and pushed through groups, dying to find Rainn. He found her standing in the corner, just like how she was in fifth grade. She was wearing a shorter skirt and tighter shirt, fake (but clever and strategically placed) padding on her chest. She wore red lipstick and dark eyeshadow, which really showed off her pale skin and big eyes. 

Brendon stood next to her casually before saying, “I’m sorry.” 

Rainn turned to look at him, confused. “Pardon?” she asked. Her voice was still a tiny bit rough, but it was high enough to pass. 

Brendon rubbed the back of his neck. “Back in fifth grade, and I guess ever since, I’ve been a jerk to you.” He watched as Rainn sipped at her Coke, then took out a small bottle and applied some of the oil to her drink. Brendon didn’t ignore the label on the bottle. “Is that CBD oil?” he asked, stunned. 

Rainn shrugged. “We do what we can when we’re fucked up in the head.” She took a long drink, then gave Brendon her full attention. “How were you a jerk? You never even talked to me.” 

Brendon cleared his throat. “That’s the thing. I’ve had a major—and I’m talking _major—_ crush on you since fourth grade.” 

Rainn smiled at him. “Is that so?” Damn, she was relaxed. Confident, too. Her speech wasn’t slurred, so she wasn’t drunk, but she wasn’t uptight at all. She sounded natural. “Because if someone has a crush for nine years on someone who’s been trans for seventh years, it raises some questions. What _do_ you like about me? What is the one that I forgot to change, but also the thing that makes you hard?” 

Brendon blushed awkwardly. “The trick is to not care about what you look like or what gender you are. There’s just something about you that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about. Not ever.” 

Rainn scoffed. “Sounds like a certain desperate bitch misses someone worshipping and sucking his dick.” 

Brendon turned even pinker. “I-It’s not like that! Rainn, I love you. I love you so much and it feels like I always have. I don’t care who you are or what you look like or any of the surface details. I just know that you and I—“ he reached out and picked up her hand. “—We’re something.” 

Rainn didn’t look comfortable or relaxed anymore. “Brendon...” she whispered between them, “I’m only going to say this once.” 

“I’ll only respond once, then.” 

“Dammit, stop being perfect,” Rainn growled. She stood closer to him and pressed their chests together. Brendon closed his eyes and braced himself for whatever, but the least expected thing happened. Rainn put her hand on Brendon’s shoulder and whispered, “I love you too. Do you want to be my boyfriend?” 

Brendon’s eyes snapped open. He hadn’t thought of that yet. “Y-Yeah,” he chuckled softly, “I’d love to be with you.” 

Rainn smiled and stood on her toes to kiss Brendon. “You know I was teasing you earlier, right? I know you liked me. Remember when I caught you staring?” 

Brendon blushed. “Yeah, I remember.” 

Rainn smiled, “I’m glad you do. I’m glad you love me as a girl. I’m glad we got together.” She took Brendon’s hand and led him to the dance floor, where they slow danced to some song they’d all heard before. They kissed, they joked, they did everything they’ve been holding back from. Then it was time for Rainn to walk home. 

**The next morning**

Brendon stepped out onto his porch and picked up the newspaper. On the front was the headline in big letters. 

“RAINN ROSS, 18, KILLED IN CAR ACCIDENT.” 

Brendon stared at the headline for a few seconds and read the article in a flurry. His eyes welled with tears. He threw the newspaper on the ground. “I KNEW IT,” he screamed furiously at God and whoever else was listening, “I’LL _NEVER_ BE WITH YOU!!” He crumpled onto the ground and stared up at the sky. Quietly, he let tears stream down his face as he whispered, “I’ll never be with you.” 

**Author's Note:**

> I’ll see you in both of our nightmares.


End file.
